Christmas Sorrow
by Tanya Reed
Summary: Written for EspoirDio's advent calendar. Sadness makes it hard for CC to get ready for Christmas.


CC stared at the boxes scattered around her large living room. She'd been staring at them for what felt like hours, but she was unable to open them.

They had been carefully packed, each precious item inside wrapped up to help it survive the trip across the Atlantic—but not by her. Her hands had refused the task. She hadn't wanted to touch the boxes then, and, if she had her way now, they would stay in the attic until after she was long dead.

But it wasn't up to her.

"This is the last of it," Niles said quietly as he came into the room carrying another box.

The strain on his face was clearly visible, and CC wished she had the strength to wipe the worried lines away with her fingertips. At that moment, it was all she could do not to run from the room and keep running until she didn't have to think or remember anymore.

"I don't think I can do this," she said, hating the way her voice cracked on the words.

Niles put down his box and came over to squeeze her hand. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said they could come, but they're our family. How could I say no?"

"Have you thought about how it will feel? Seeing Eve and Jonah, knowing..." She trailed off, shaking her head and angrily blinking away the tears of pain that pricked her eyelids.

"We had to face it sometime. Vicki would never have wanted us to..."

"We'll never know what she would have wanted, will we?" she interrupted, pulling her hand from his and turning her back on him.

"She loved Christmas, CC. She would have loved having the family here. She would have wanted the biggest tree with the brightest lights."

CC closed her eyes and swallowed. Quietly, she admitted, "I know."

"Would you rather I..."

"No. I'll do it. Go get the tree as you'd planned. The Sheffields will be expecting a Christmas, and a Christmas they'll get."

The truth was, CC could have ordered her housekeeper to take care of everything, but she didn't want any hands but hers touching what was in those boxes.

Niles came up behind her and slipped his arms around her waist. He gave her a quick, tight squeeze.

"We'll be okay. We'll get through this."

She patted his arm as he was releasing her but couldn't reply. She felt as if her heart were breaking and it was taking everything she had to put on a brave face. He kissed her quickly on the temple and left.

Taking a deep breath, CC settled to the floor in front of one of the boxes. She knew this was going to be one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do. Her hand was shaking as she reached out to tear the tape off of the top. She winced at the rough, ragged sound it made.

Once the box was tape free, CC paused again before slowly opening the flaps.

The first ornament she removed had belonged to her grandmother. It was a delicate butterfly that, as a child, CC had believed to be real. She smiled slightly, remembering how, as an adult, she'd always put it near the top of the tree, away from little hands. Her heart started to ache, and she was tempted to close the box.

She heard an echo of childish laughter as she took out the next ornament. It was just a cheap one, a bear dressed up in a Santa costume holding a present with a big bow in his hands. It was made of glass, probably in China, and the paint was slightly chipped.

"Mommy! Mommy, look at this! It's Santa Bear."

CC could still hear the words, and she could still see the blond little girl with a toothless but joy filled grin and eyes that were so huge and excited that her wonder was infectious.

Vicki had insisted on buying the bear with her own money, and CC didn't have the heart to refuse. Every year, it was the first ornament her child placed on the tree.

CC closed her hand gently over the ornament as she became lost in the memory. It was so real that she was almost convinced that if she closed her eyes and counted to ten, she would open them and see Vicki bouncing around the room with irrepressible excitement.

Afraid that if she waited any longer, her courage would give out, CC laid Santa Bear aside to unwrap the next ornament.

Her eyes filled as a small bassinet appeared. Fran had bought two for herself and, on impulse, picked one up for CC as well. Under the bassinet was a simple banner that said, "Baby's First Christmas 1999". Some store clerk with beautiful handwriting had added "Victoria-Valerie". CC touched the name and felt her eyes start to spill over.

XXX

"Niles, will you stop hovering," CC said crossly. She was huge and uncomfortable and cranky. Why couldn't her mutant of a husband understand this and leave her alone?

"Are you sure you wouldn't like another pillow?"

"No. No pillow. No soup. No slippers—who could fit into them, anyway? No television. No company."

He eyed her warily. "No foot rub?"

"No..." She started and stopped. "Actually, yes, foot rub. Please."

He smirked at her, but she didn't take offense because she could see the love in his eyes.

"How are you feeling?" he asked as he lifted her legs to slip underneath them. Placing them across his lap, he started kneading one of her feet. It felt heavenly. "Besides the mood swings and water retention, I mean."

CC closed her eyes. "If I didn't love you so much, I'd kill you."

"Charmer." She could hear the amusement in his voice.

"If this thing doesn't come out of me soon, I'm going to explode."

He chuckled but remained silent. CC lay back against the cushion, falling into bliss. Niles was very good with his hands. It was one of the things she loved about him. It came in third only to his ability to do practically everything and how completely he loved her, warts and all.

"How's that?" he asked softly when CC had relaxed almost into sleep. "Any better?"

"I've decided that I forgive you for everything," she breathed out contentedly.

The rubbing stopped and he squeezed her knee.

"I hope you're not trying to get fresh with me, Mr. Butler."

"Never. With as cranky as you've been lately, I wouldn't chance it."

She cracked one eye. "You're lucky I'm too relaxed to get up."

"Oh, sweetheart," he said in amusement, "I love you."

"You'd better," she said sternly but couldn't prevent the smile from coming to her face. Over the past ten months, she had slowly become accustomed to hearing the words, but they still warmed her every time.

Her calm contentment was shattered by a sudden sharp pain.

"Oh."

"What is it?" Niles was all serious concern again.

"A pain." She frowned. "It was strange, like..."

"CC?"

"Niles, I think the baby might be coming."

"But our Caesarian isn't scheduled until the twenty-seventh."

"I think the baby has other ideas."

He paled and gently turned her, placing her feet on the floor. "But we're not ready."

"Ready or not, I think we'd better..." She trailed off as the pain came again, stronger and sharper.

"What's wrong?"

"Help me up. We've got to go. I can't believe Nanny Fine was right."

Just a week before, Fran had bought her this very pink tree ornament with her soon to be born baby's name on it. It said "Baby's First Christmas", even thought Victoria-Valerie wasn't supposed to come into the world until after Christmas.

"She has that annoying habit," Niles said cheerily, helping her off of the couch. He looked both terrified and excited, and CC had conflicting impulses to both hit him and kiss him.

"Go get my bag and I'll meet you at the car." At his hesitant expression, she added sarcastically, "I think I can make it as far as the car by myself."

"Right."

He grinned at her and gave her a quick kiss—one that turned into three in rapid succession—before rushing up the stairs. Niles could move quickly for an old guy, she thought in amusement, rubbing a hand over her belly.

"There goes your daddy," she said quietly. "He's an idiot, but I love him."

XXX

CC awoke abruptly as her bedroom door flew open and a tiny blond girl bounced through.

"Mommy! Daddy! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!"

Niles groaned and whispered, "What time is it?"

CC wiped her eyes, trying to clear their blurriness, and glanced at the clock. "It's just after six."

Before Vicki, when Niles worked as a butler, six would have been a normal waking time for him. Years had passed since then and lately he preferred rising with CC and Vicki at seven.

"Are you sure it's time to wake up?" he asked their daughter, who looked as if she might burst from excitement.

"Daddy, it's Christmas!"

"Are you sure?"

CC chuckled and swatted him lightly. "Of course she's sure. She's been counting down the days with her chocolate advent calendar."

"No more chocolates. That means Santa came," Vicki told him solemnly.

"Who am I to argue with calendar chocolates?" Niles asked agreeably, throwing off his covers. "Coming, CC?"

"Are you sure you can't start Christmas without me?"

"Mommy, you're silly," Vicki giggled.

"All right. All right. If I must."

She got out of bed with fake reluctance, secretly enjoying the joy that was coming off of her daughter in waves. As a child, she'd missed this—her family had never been big on Christmas—and year after year Vicki was starting to show her what Christmas was really supposed to be like.

On her feet, she reached down and scooped Vicki up into her arms. At four, Vicki was a tiny little thing, but that didn't stop her from rushing head long into life as often as she could.

The little girl laughed again when she felt herself being lifted off of the floor. Her arms went around CC's neck and she started filling her face with kisses.

"What's that for?"

"These are your Christmas kisses. Eve said you're supposed to kiss people at Christmas."

"Well, thank you. Merry Christmas."

"Daddy's turn."

CC handed Vicki over to Niles and watched in fond amusement as he received his own Christmas kisses.

"Are you two done?" she asked, feigning sarcasm. "Do I have to go down and open presents all by myself?"

"Presents!" Vicki exclaimed, wriggling free and sliding to the floor. She was out the door like a shot.

Niles's eyes twinkled as he said, "She's definitely your daughter."

"That's right, Butler Boy, and we're both expecting great presents. I hope you can deliver."

XXX

"Daddy!" Vicki ran up to Niles, her face split in a wide grin.

He was standing by the door in his apron with flour on his hands and sprinkled across one cheek. Despite being in his mid fifties, he looked almost boyish. His eyes were filled with fun and laughter, though he tried to keep his expression serious.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Look what Mom and I found shopping today." She held up little fingers to show him the small ornament. It was an extremely life-like calico kitten with a Santa hat sitting jauntily on its head.

"It's very pretty, sweetheart."

"She just had to have it." CC smiled. "She thought Santa Bear could use a friend."

"And I get to put them on myself this year, right? All of the ornaments and not just the round ones that bounce when they fall."

"Are you sure you're up to it?" CC asked. "Some of them are very fragile."

Vicki nodded so exuberantly she looked like a bobble head doll. "I'll be careful. I promise. If you and Daddy lift me, I can do it."

"I don't know. What do you think, Niles? Is our little girl big enough to put the ornaments on herself?"

Vicki stood up straighter to make herself look taller.

"Well...she is six this year. And she did promise to be careful."

Vicki started jumping up and down in excitement. Every year, she asked to put the glass ornaments on the tree, and every year CC promised she could when she was old enough.

"Okay, sweetie, I guess I agree with Daddy. Once he gets his pie in the oven, we'll get the lights and garland on, and you can do the rest."

"I'll do a good job, you'll see." She grinned from ear to ear. "Hurry up, Daddy. Why are you still here when you should be in there finishing the pie?"

CC laughed, wrapping her arms around Vicki in a big hug. Usually, since CC wasn't much for displays of affection, the hugs and kisses came from Niles, but sometimes her love for her daughter—and often Niles—just overflowed and broke through her natural reticence. She kissed the top of Vicki's head while Niles winked at the two of them.

XXX

CC sat on the couch dressed in a large fuzzy robe and fuzzy slippers. They had been a gift from Fran one Christmas, and every Christmas since CC had worn them while they opened their presents.

The rain of wrapping paper had mostly stopped, and Vicki was opening her last present.

"It's a camera! A real camera!" she gushed.

"Do you like it?" Niles asked.

"It's just what I wanted." She hugged the camera to her chest.

CC and Niles shared a smile. Vicki had been asking for a 'grown up' camera for months. There was a flash and a lighthearted laugh.

"Vicki, did you just take a picture of me in this ridiculous bathrobe?"

"It's your Christmas robe. I like it."

Niles laughed at her answer, so CC reached over and slapped him on the shoulder. "It won't be quite so funny when she takes one of you covered in flour."

He just shook his head in amusement. "Give your mother her present, Vicki."

"A present for me?" CC asked.

"Vicki picked it out herself and helped me in the kitchen to earn money to pay for it."

"Our daughter worked in the kitchen?"

CC raised an eyebrow in disbelief. At eight years old, Vicki was a hopeless tomboy. Strong. Active. Highly independent. CC took credit for most of those things, but she had no idea where her daughter got her inherent sweetness and kindness.

"Very hard."

"I hope you like it, Mom." She grabbed a small square present from under the tree and held it out to CC.

CC took it and raised it to her ear where she shook it gently. "What could it be?"

"Open it!"

"All right, Miss Impatient. I'll open it."

She took the paper off slowly and carefully, pretending she didn't see Vicki squirming in front of her. Under the paper was a small box, so CC took off the cover.

Her heart rose into her throat and her eyes filled as she saw the elegant tree ornament. It was covered with beautifully rendered—and probably painstakingly hand painted—red roses and said, "Mom, for everything you do, I love you." CC swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump.

"Do you like it?" Vicki asked anxiously.

"Oh, honey, I love it. It's the second best Christmas present I ever got."

"What was the first?"

"You."

XXX

CC stood next to Niles in the cold, white corridor. Her eyes stung and her face hurt from holding it in an expressionless mask.

It was obvious that Niles had been crying. His eyes were puffy and his face was swollen and blotchy. CC hadn't been able to cry. She just had this terrible ache in her chest and a tightness in her throat that refused to go away. They made it hard to function and hard to breathe.

Her hand was shaking as she reached out to cup Niles's cheek.

"We can do this," she told him, her voice hoarse and scratchy. "We've got to do this."

His fingers came up to capture hers, and he pressed them against his lips.

She almost lost it.

Blinking back tears that finally threatened to come, she clenched her jaw tightly shut.

How was she supposed to smile? How could she pretend her heart wasn't breaking in two?

But, as she told Niles, she had to do it. She had to force her trembling mouth into a happy smile. She'd do it if it killed her.

"Are you ready?" she whispered.

"No," he croaked.

"She'll be waiting for us. She needs this, Niles. It's the only thing we can give her. We can fall apart when it's over."

He nodded and forced all traces of sorrow from his face. As she picked up the scattered bags and packages around them, she tried to do the same.

Niles took some from her, not speaking, and pushed open the door.

CC's heart constricted as she saw her daughter lying there. The face that had once been round and rosy with health was now thin and pale. There were dark circles under her eyes and a kerchief had replaced the golden curls on her head. It took all of CC's power not to fall to the floor and weep.

Finding strength somewhere, she forced a smile on her face and said cheerily, "Merry Christmas, sweetheart!"

The little girl's eyes lit up. "Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. I wasn't sure you'd come."

"We couldn't miss Christmas with our best girl, could we?" Niles asked, placing his bundles on the floor and bending down to carefully hug her frail body.

"The Sheffields will be by later, but we wanted our special Christmas morning time with our girl," CC told her, bringing the gifts in her hands over to set beside Niles's.

Vicki laughed. "I don't think they'll all fit under the tree."

Vicki had her own tree. Her room was private, so there was space to put it in one corner. It wasn't very big, just three feet tall, but CC had painstakingly decorated it under Vicki's watchful eye. The ornaments were all new, but they would be packed up and brought home after Christmas.

"We'll make them fit," Niles said, his voice not betraying the sadness CC knew filled his heart.

"Oh, Dad." Vicki shook her head in amusement. "So, what did you bring me?"

"I guess you'll just have to open them and find out."

"One of them's a chemistry set, right? I really wanted a chemistry set."

"To torture the nurses with?" CC asked hopefully. She had been waiting ten years for Niles's mischievous practical joke streak to come out in their daughter.

"Of course not." She sounded so much older than her years.

"Why not? It would do you good."

"Your mother just wants you to get in trouble so you can blame it on me." Niles smirked as he handed Vicki her first gift.

As her child's eyes lit up, CC felt a piece of herself shatter. She gripped the rail at the bottom of the bed so tightly that her knuckles turned white.

But when Vicki looked at her, CC still had that cheerful smile plastered on her face.

XXX

CC sat on the floor with a box of animal themed ornaments in her lap. Around her were strewn memories so precious and so sharp that they were as real to her as the expensive Persian rug beneath her.

Tears slid silently down her cheeks. Her heart ached. Her hands shook. She wanted to curl up and die so she didn't have to remember anymore.

The fragile ornaments in her hands had been the last straw. They were the last ones that Vicki had ever touched. She had smiled when she saw them; her favorite had been the puppy with a stocking in its mouth. He sat there in the box now, looking so happy and sweet that CC wanted to smash him into pieces.

"Mommy! Mommy! It's time to put up the tree!" The words echoed around CC.

In California, in their old house, Vicki's presence had been everywhere. It'd been too sharp and too fresh to fight, so Niles and CC had moved across the ocean to make things easier.

It hadn't been any easier; the memories had followed them.

With difficulty, CC pulled herself to her feet. Her eyes were too blurry to see with, and a sob had lodged itself in her chest, making it burn.

It was way too soon to have Christmas again, she told herself. How would she be able to survive having a house full of children when her own child was missing?

The sob tried to claw its way out, tearing at her throat on its way up. CC closed her eyes, and her body heaved.

Arms surrounded her suddenly, pulling her into a body that was so familiar it was like an extension of herself. Niles held her tightly and CC let go, sobbing uncontrollably. He trembled against her, and CC knew she wasn't the only one crying.

They cried for a long time.

XXX

It was CC herself who opened the door three days later to find a whole gaggle of Sheffields. There were fifteen in all, ranging from older than CC—Maxwell-to not old enough to stand on her own—Grace's daughter.

CC forced a smile and invited them in.

"Hello, CC. Good to see you." Maxwell cuffed her companionably on the shoulder as he came in.

The rest of his family followed, the young children talking and laughing and pushing and arguing. Jonah and Eve both stopped to give CC a quick hug and kiss. As Vicki's best friends, they'd been very close to her once. Grace, looking very tired, smiled at her on the way by. Brighton squeezed her arm and Maggie gave her a brief but warm hug.

Inside, Niles greeted them and offered to show them their rooms. Despite it being just the two of them, Niles and CC's estate had eighteen bedrooms, ten bathrooms, and even two kitchens. They had a butler and a maid to keep it clean, but Niles preferred to do all the cooking himself.

Fran was the last to enter. She jovially threw her arms around CC and squeezed her tightly. "CC!"

CC patted her awkwardly on the back. "Hello, Fran."

As soon as they hadn't been in competition for Maxwell's attention, the two women had become friends. It was a strange friendship, but it suited them.

"How are you?" Fran asked quietly, releasing her and looking into her eyes.

"I'm fine."

She cupped CC's cheek. "Are you really okay with us being here? I told Maxwell..."

"It will be all right. This house was meant to be filled with people."

Fran smiled, but it was a sad smile. Taking CC's hand, she led her away from the others. She chose a small sitting room, one filled with expensive furniture and used mostly for show.

"Sit," she said.

CC did, regarding her warily.

"Now tell me how you're really doing." She settled down in a chair facing CC, looking at her shrewdly.

"I don't understand."

"I've known you for twenty years. I can tell when you're hiding something. What is it? What's wrong? Do you want us to go?"

"No." CC shook her head. "It's nothing like that."

"Then what is it?"

CC swallowed before answering. "This is our first Christmas without Vicki." At Fran's puzzled look, she explained, "It's our first time not taking a tropical vacation for the holidays and getting so smashed we don't remember what time of year it is, how old she would have turned, or how much she loved Christmas."

"Oh."

CC twined her hands in her lap and stared down at them, unwilling to let Fran read her expression.

"It's like you just lost her, isn't it?"

CC nodded. "I wish we had decided not to decorate, but Niles insisted. He didn't want your grandchildren to be disappointed."

"It's not good for you to lock away your sadness. Vicki wouldn't have wanted you to. You know how she was about Christmas."

"But that's exactly why it's so hard to celebrate without her. There's just me and Niles and a lot of emptiness."

"It's not just you and Niles." Fran squeezed her arm gently. "It never was."

CC glanced at her. "What do you mean?"

"We're a family. We lost her, too, you know. Jonah and Eve decorate a small tree for her every year."

"What?"

"You're going to be okay. This Christmas will hurt, but you'll feel better at the end. Maybe instead of missing all the Christmases you'll never have, you'll start cherishing the ones you did."

CC leaned back to rest her head on the love seat. "I don't think I'll be able to make it through Christmas."

"Sure you will." She grabbed CC's hand and held it tightly. "You're not alone."

How ironic that the one woman she'd tried to hate—and failed—for so many years had become the one person, besides Niles, she considered a true friend.

"Thank you," CC whispered.

"You're welcome."

The two of them sat there in silence, hand in hand, listening to the sounds of a house full of family. CC absorbed it all—the family, the friendship, the support. For the first time, she thought she might actually be able to live through the holidays.

And maybe she'd even be able to make it through the year that followed.


End file.
